ABC News Tip Offs.

Whilst recently taking in the joys of the Wombat Forest, Scorch’s senses were assailed by a helicopter landing and then taking off from a nearby property of a well known tycoon family.

During a time of Covid restrictions, this visitation must be a no-no, he reasoned. Certainly not by car or rail that is, but if by helicopter that is different. Or so the privilege laden passenger/s would seem to think. Justifiably outraged, Scorch brought the case to the ABC via their Tip Offs page, and others who may take an interest (thank you The Local). Part one went-

COVID HELICOPTER INFRINGEMENT 5/9/21

Are wealthy people exempt from travel restrictions? Thursday afternoon at Glenlyon near Daylesford Victoria, I witnessed a helicopter arrive and then leave from a property believed to be connected with the XXX family.  The helicopter (red lower half, white top half) clearly arrived from outside of the area, beaching travel restrictions and possibly introducing infection into a community that has been virus free so far. I hope that the ABC will investigate this and perhaps other related incidences. Politicians like to tell us that we’re all  in this together. Let’s ensure that is the case.

Contact information was provided and Scorch began to taste the the sweetness of the grotesquely rich and selfish getting there come uppance in a time of great sacrifice with a major name and shame from Aunty. But then… nothing. So Scorch tries a different tack, the header being-

Dead miner emerges from 19^th century Daylesford gold mine. Ancestors stunned.

(Attention grabber for lament about absence of follow up for helicopter story).

Did that fire the ABC into a response? It did not. Perhaps something with greater audience appeal-

That got ’em talking? Nup. So maybe something more specifically favourable to ABC might appeal to their interests-

Execs from all Australian media networks except ABC in horror bush retreat.               10/09/21

Disturbing news of a ritualistic bonding activity of key media personnel from all major Australian networks, except the ABC, has emerged from traumatised staff at a Barkstead corporate retreat, near Daylesford Victoria.

It was an annual, very private booking for the cabal of network heads, except for the ABC, where staff would customarily set the facilities for the two day ‘conference’ and return to an empty though often dishevelled facility. The March booking would have followed the usual pattern, had it not been for possums interfering with the refrigeration wiring. Alerted by automatic alarms, Bryn Sime and Toby Hills from Harbinger House discretely returned to effect repairs. Only now are they able to reveal what they saw that night.

Stooped and withered and with an uncontrollably blinking left eye, Sime was first to speak. ‘They were all naked in the plunge pool. Being commercial corporate execs, men only. Grotesquely obese, they wallowed ecstatically in a steaming vat of entrails intermixed with presumably their own faeces. Above, a veritable circus act of naked trapeze artists, men, women and some that were.. well I shudder to think, swung above the sordid scene releasing volumes of urine upon the screeching, writhing Hippo’s bath below’. ‘The way they shrieked and squealed and slapped each other, especially when they caught a stream of urine in their mouths from a bypassing trapeze artist was I think the most disturbing thing for me’, a still visibly shaken Hills added. ‘Oh, and the smell’, both men mumbled, heads in trembling hands. ‘But at least the ABC wasn’t there’, they added. They were unable to confirm if SBS was represented on the evening or not.

Though shocked and emotionally struggling, the employees repaired the refrigeration and departed, with the nauseating orgy in the adjoining room unaware of their presence.  Harbinger House has not returned our calls.

No response there either. Maybe it’s just good news stories they want these days. So –

You can’t keep a good town down.  13/9/21

Regional Victorians met the recent relaxation of restrictions with a collective sigh of relief, but none more so than the plucky community of Coomoora near Daylesford Victoria. Regarded locally as a quiet but unremarkable little town, reports were soon emerging of multiple outbreaks of pleasantness and decency.

Notorious bully and local delinquent Arx Tudge was witnessed assisting aged cat Tiddles across peak hour Glenlyon rd. And when Gutser, the intimidating and undernourished Staffordshire Terrier of the highly visited Entsch household caught sight of Tiddles, he popped the aged feline on his back and ferried her safely home, where a chorus of canaries announced her supper and fluffed her bed.

For the remaining sunlight hours, Tudge stole and defaced nothing. Further, he tearfully apologised to the Frydenbergs for the lit bag of excrement, widely believed to be Gutsers, they had discovered on their doorstep two nights previously.

The quarrelsome Porter family were observed dancing around each other redolent of Daphne flower, creating a swirling and heady mist of floral loveliness all around.

Noted gossips and muckrakers the Joyces meanwhile provided slices of roast lamb to passers by on their best crockery and with their best cutlery on the proviso that they be never returned.

And to conclude the remarkable day, a sunset of the most extraordinary orange and purple hues captured the entire community, who stepped out as one onto the verdant green streets to collectively share in its magnificence. Residents were sorely tempted to engage in a mass group hug as they had once before, but mindful of Covid restrictions, reluctantly resisted. ‘Perhaps for the best, Covid or not’, added resident Sally Ann Ley, mindful of a similar spring day and sunset in 2015. ‘The Great Coomoora Baby Boom probably should give residents good cause to reflect,’ she said ushering her twin, six year old red heads indoors. 

Coomoora residents all agreed that it had been a wonderful day and a without a doubt a much needed good news story in a time of trouble for a news network to pick up on, if only some one would inform them.

Case closed. There’s no one at home at the ABC. If you’re hanging by your fingertips above a raging flood, or finally nail the perpetual motion machine or give birth to ten, save your breath. Ring the others.