This is the tartan they don’t want you to see. This work of stunning beauty and ingenuity, a co design from McBurn and celebrated Australian artist Mary Leunig, aimed to go where no Tartan had been before and break through the stifling barriers of conservatism and centuries of Scottish ‘tradition’. The following correspondence with the Scottish Tartan Register tells the story..
Dear Tartan Register
I was dismayed to find that there is no tartan for we McBurns so I have set about creating just that, so that we may hold our heads high amongst the other clans. Being of a creative bent I have come up with an arguably unorthodox design, but one which I believe my kinsmen will be proud to wear.
Mindful though of the processing costs involved, I was hoping you might cast an eye over the design and let me know if the design will meet (or exceed) the design parameters for acceptance into the Registry. Please find the Tartan McBurn design proudly attached.
I look forward to your response.
Scorch McBurn
Daylesford. Victoria. (An affable appeal of this nature really did warrant the most generous interpretation of the attached Tartan.
n Wed, Mar 22, 2023 at 6:22 PM Tartan Register Enquiries <enquiries@tartanregister.gov.uk> wrote:
Dear Scorch,
Thank you for your email. From your painting it appears as though it would use a different warp and weft for weaving (colours going horizontally but not vertically, and vice versa) so unfortunately it would not be accepted for registration.
However, we do think it is a very nice painting!
If you wish to work on your design and create a design that uses the same warp and weft please feel free to get back in touch with us.
Best wishes
Sarah
Scottish Register of Tartans
(Sarah has gone for the gentle ‘fob off’, and has even thrown in a bit of technical jargon to to give her stance some credibility. But having completed three years of a four year course in Scottish, McBurn is well able to read between the lines..)
McBurn Tartan interpretation by Mary Leunig.
On Wed, 22 Mar 2023 at 22:53, Scorch McBurn <scorch@scorchmcburn.com> wrote:
Dear ‘Sarah’
Though I know it’s really you Jock McTavish, pretending to be someone else. I had hoped that the McBurn Tartan portfolio would land on someone else’s desk at the SRT, but so it has come to pass.
Everyone knows that the McTavish’s have had it in for the McBurns ever since the battle of Loch Lachlan. But that was in 1791 man! You’ve got to move on! You guys started it anyway, so it’s a bit rich that you’re still cranky about it. So look, how about you try to put your historical differences aside and either hand over the McBurn Tartan to someone a bit impartial at the SRT or for your own human development, look at it again through fresh eyes.
There’s nothing wrong with the warp and weft. Ok, it is a little unorthodox, but not all that different from the McGruel Tartan or the McBunn Tartan if you squint your eye a bit. (I don’t suppose that having defeated them respectively at the Battle of Drumgold 1812 and the Battle of Mt Oxen 1836 would have anything to do with your more charitable interpretation…)?
So come on Jock, how about you do the right thing and give the McBurn Tartan the nod so that my Kinsmen and I may walk proudly down the Glen.
Yours sincerely.
Scorch McBurn
Daylesford. Victoria. (You can’t easily pull the wool over McBurns eyes. And he’s not about to swallow subterfuge lightly either).
McBurn Tartan interpretation by Scorch McBurn
Thu, Mar 23, 2023 at 7:09 PM Tartan Register Enquiries <enquiries@tartanregister.gov.uk> wrote:
Dear Scorch,
You asked for an opinion on whether the painting of your tartan would be accepted as a tartan by the register. As it appears in the image you provided it would not be acceptable.
If you would like your tartan to be formally considered then I suggest you submit an application along with an image of the tartan and a threadcount.
You can view all of the guidance for applying to register a tartan here – https://www.tartanregister.gov.uk/registerGuidance
Please be aware that the Register does not accept single surname tartans apart from those which fall in the Clan category, which is reserved for Scottish Clans recognised by the Court of the Lord Lyon submitted with authority from the Clan Chief.
Best wishes
Sarah
(It seems that Sarah is having some discomfort over the challenge to her authority and expertise in the matter. Might be time for Scorch to show his hand..).
From: Scorch McBurn <scorch@scorchmcburn.com>
Date: Sat, Mar 25, 2023 at 9:29 AM
Subject: Re: The McBurn Tartan
To: Tartan Register Enquiries <enquiries@tartanregister.gov.uk>
Dear Sarah
(I don’t really think that Sarah is a nom de plume for Jock McTavish).
I am afraid I have drawn some frustration and even some ire from our correspondence.
I apologise. That was not my intention.
You see, I am Extraordinarily Funny. Perhaps my name (an actual nom de plume) gives a bit of a hint.
And yes, I am accredited Extraordinarily Funny. You will find that many claim this title, but very few are actually accredited and therefore entitled to claim they are such.
Not yet convinced? I invite you to visit the online home of Scorch McBurn. Give yourself plenty of time. There is a lot to digest.
I didn’t Really think that the SRT would warm to the McBurn Tartan. Not with the warp and the weft being as it is. But gee, I had to try.
Thank you for considering the Tartan. I’m sure the Tartan world sleeps easily at night knowing that you and the SRT and possibly even Jock McTavish are vigilant gatekeepers.
All the best.
Scorch McBurn
Extraordinarily Funny
Daylesford. Victoria.
Sarah never wrote back. Not a word. Not a ‘Scorch you old scalliwag, I should have known’. Or a ‘heck I knew all along Scorch. Got you there old boy’. Or even a ‘You have no idea who you’re fooling with you Aussie smart arse. We have a squad dedicated to sorting those who would dishonour us. And no, they will not be wearing tartan. Get your affairs in order you clown’.