A crime drama supernatural action thriller, set in an entirely fictitious aged care home.
By Scorch McBurn
Synopsis. 6.1.22
A quiet and restful rural Victorian aged care facility’s lunch service (beef and red wine casserole / cream sauce tortellini) is shattered as hardened ice addict ‘Babycakes’ McPhee* (Kirsten Robertson) and her gang of villains consisting of feared brothers Ian ‘Psycho’ Glen (Frazer Dean) and Dennis ‘Mad Dog’ Glen* (Andrew Muscat) as well as certified lunatic Marcia ‘The Knife’ Brandy (Stacey McDonald), smash their way in and begin rounding up residents and staff members.
At first it seems pretty clear, this is a hostage situation by desperate and irrational criminals to obtain drugs, petty cash, pads, PPE and what ever else they can get their hands on.
But they get more than they bargained for. Much more.
Amongst the assembled hostages is newly admitted resident
Scorch McBurn (Brendan Murray) and returned former Afghanistan SAS soldier but now mild mannered PCA Violet Armstrong (casting T.B.C) trying to shrug off the horrors and violence of her past.
Both are armed, but in different ways.
McBurn has a small red book containing 500 punny jokes, (What did the dolphin say when it bumped into a whale? Sorry, it wasn’t on porpoise.
How do you make an egg roll? Push it down the hill. 498 jokes to go..), which he relentlessly deploys in a one sided psychological war against the villains.
Armstrong is pushed to the edge as the situation draws her back to the insanity of her service years that she has worked so hard to distance herself from. Expect to see a flashback scene here. With cutlery being her specialist weapon, she painfully recalls being brought against the War Crimes Tribunal for her dismemberment of an enemy combatant with a fondue set.
Found not guilty due to interventions from her father Major General Sampson Armstrong DSO with bar, she was quietly discharged and looking to start her life in a more caring, less mutilating way. But has she lost her combat skills?
With a soup spoon tucked down her sock, her fellow captives hope not.
But is there more to this break in and hostage situation than meets the eye?
Is this a run of the mill aged care hold up, or not?
Why not just kill McBurn as his insufferable and worsening puns begin to tear at the villains very souls?
This is where the multilayered character of McPhee is revealed.
McPhee is searching for her father, whom she has never met.
Conceived at a witches coven bonfire on a full moon at Mt Franklin in the 1980s, she has struggled with her identity and purpose in life, vacuuming up whatever substances she could find to fill the aching emptiness and lashing out at those who loved her for fear of having her emotional fortress breached, McPhee is convinced her father is a resident at the aged care facility.
It could even be McBurn.
Her gang meanwhile, is unaware that she has another agenda.
The finale is set for a blockbuster finish.
Will Armstrong explode into a vengeful fury, slashing and gouging the villains into a gory pulp?
Will McBurn run out of jokes? Will the residents and staff violently turn on him, as had been on the cards well before the break in?
Will McPhee find her father? If so, what then? Tearful reconciliation?
Tearful decapitation?
How will Psycho, Mad Dog and The Knife react, especially as the C.F.A encircle the building?
But wait! There’s more. So much more.
Mad Dog has become romantically involved with The Knife, though not on equal terms. The Knife, whom is initially read as bit of a simpleton, though with murderous capacities, has another agenda. Not the least is to wedge Mad Dog with his brother Psycho, who is unaware of the high charged relationship developing prior to the break in.
Meanwhile in a deft genre flip, Babycakes is not just looking for her father, she is looking for her mother as well. Her mother was very high up in the Coven and abandoned Babycakes at a young age, never to be seen again. Hence her haunted and troubled existence. Hepburn House was in fact built on a secret witches burial ground, and there is believed to be a trapdoor to a crypt which almost certainly contains her mother.
Babycakes can feel it in her waters with her inherited supernatural powers. So if Babycakes can identify her father (living) and locate her mother Zelda Manhattan* (undead), can they be reunited to conceive the sister that she never had. After which, by combining their powers, they will become an awesome duo, with limitless powers. The world and all the people in it would become their playthings.
And McBurns Little Red Book Of Jokes, just a highly irritating collection of lightweight puns, or is it in fact something far more significant and in fact key to the entire escapade?
Damn right it is!
The Little Red Book Of Jokes contains the incantations needed to create the grisly union between the Mother and Father. But which of the 500 puns is the right one? Will Babycakes locate the right one (What does a vegetarian zombie eat? Grains! Or; What’s the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth – hurty), and read it to her Mothers corpse to conjure an awakening plus an arousal sufficient to get the job done with her father, who by this stage can only be McBurn.
McBurn of course is somewhat reluctant to make the beast of two backs with the animated but still desiccated body of a one night stand at Mt Franklin in the 80’s, but again the solution lies in The Little Red Book Of Jokes (What happened when someone sent ten puns to their friend to make them laugh? No pun in ten did. Or; What happens when you toss small ovens into the water? You get microwaves). Urgently, Babycakes goes through each of the puns in the desperate hope to find the correct combination.
Meanwhile..
Resident Steve Strong (casting T.B.A) is returning from an outing and instantly recognizes the tense stand off situation as he approaches. His years in SAS Special Ops has equipped him a highly tuned antenna for conflict and an array of situation escalation / de escalation methods at his disposal.
Unfortunately, his years in SAS Special Ops has resulted in him being wheelchair bound from taking a bullet to save a comrade in a vicious shootout with greenie tarot readers at a Blackwood tee pee when a standoff spun out of control. (During the Inquest, Strongs conduct was variously described as, ‘unhelpful’, ‘perhaps a little impulsive’ and ‘a macho storm trooping exhibition of violence, no doubt triggered by his unresolved anxieties about his ‘Flower Power’ parents and upbringing in a patchouli soaked Gippsland commune’).
Steve Strong wastes no time. He spots a gang member lurking near a window and that a sheet of chipboard has been carelessly left just outside which would form a usable ramp. He hits the afterburners on his electrified wheelchair and with characteristic heroism and self disregard, smashes through the windows (slow motion, multi camera angles, Eye of the Tiger guitar riff..), to flatten the perceived gang member. Unfortunately, it was in fact Violet Armstrong who by this stage had overcome all manner of personal demons and with her concealed arsenal of teaspoons had resolved to take on the crime gang in what would have been a gory climax to the standoff.
A number of residents raise their attention from dessert to take in the unfolding drama. The majority though are nonplussed to say the least.
The last vestige of opposition to the gang has been snuffed out, or so it seems.
Conclusion.
(The writing team in their wisdom have gone the ‘Ex deus machina’. Despised by film elites, so ripe for usage in our production).
A hero appears from nowhere. With a steely glint and rock solid resolve manager Majesta Magnifica (Dianne Jones), disguised as catering staff, appears with a tea trolley and offers villains cup of tea/coffee biscuit or sandwich.
Villains are feeling a bit drained by the experience so far and partake of afternoon tea while standing in a circle discussing the progress of their crime/s. Quietly, staff* position wheelchairs behind them. The tea is drugged and they slump into the wheelchairs and are wheeled away.
Cut to villain Psycho being hoisted out of wheelchair, undressed and put on a shower chair. Villain is showered (‘Full Monty’). This is the shower scene with Psycho
Villain is dressed in nightie and hoisted into bed. Lights out.
Other villains shown same, but have tongues hanging out and pale skin.
Are the Villains asleep, or dead?
Begin credit roll..
Suddenly, cut to Majesta Magnifica and wheelchair PCAs* driving in HH bus. Police siren heard in background.
Majesta Magnifica angrily to PCA’s: ‘..well it it was your idea!’.
PCA: ‘ But why did you put so much in???
Bus disappears down the road pursued by police cars.
Fade.
Complete credit roll. For a moment or two, then….
Cut to bedroom scene.
Scorch McBurn and Zelda Manhattan (casting due to be completed soon) are sitting up in bed, naked beneath a sheet with a cigarette. Zelda turns to Scorch and says matter of factly, ‘Y’know Scorch, you were a dud root back then and not much has changed, has it’.
Scorch looks around is about to say something, but instead casts his gaze to the corner of the room and exhales. Zelda rubs her tummy and gives Scorch a punch in the arm. Lamely, Scorch say ‘ow’.
Credit roll continues., Until…
Cut to front of HH. The bodies of the gang members are being transferred to the coroners van (white, reflective windows) when Babycakes is suddenly bolt upright. It’ll take more than hospital grade analgesics, no matter what the quantity to subdue this enchanted individual. There is of course a lifetime of heavy duty conditioning to heavy duty drugs on a ‘you name it, I’ve downed it, got any more?’ basis, plus certain mystical powers inherited from her mother.
She may even have an inkling that a sister has just commenced gestation.
Babycakes takes off on foot down Hepburn Road and is soon in a vast, brightly lit desert scape with her hair flying in the wind and the setting sun all orange and red on her exuberant face in an emotive close up. Soundtrack of Born Free (Tony Christie) is playing loudly.
Fade to credit roll (again).
Closes with claw scratch image over HH and blood curdling howl sound.
Fin.
Hepburn Howls is set to be the edge of the seat shake up that Australian cinema has so desperately needed.
* Auditions to commence asap.
In cinemas soon.
Note: A Prospectus is available for courageous investors with an eye for a guaranteed future Australian cult classic with a huge potential for Netflix serialisation and a children’s version.