McBurners and sport lovers, I draw to your attention a significant sporting issue which has been hiding in plain sight, and that is the mistimed delivery of human babies into a professional or emerging professional sportspersons life. No one is going to win a popularity contest by sticking their nose in here but the shivering silence, the giraffe in the room can no longer in good conscience be ignored.
Round 13 of the 2021 AFL draw will be seared into the frazzled minds of St Kilda supports due to Adelaide pinching the game from them in the final minute of the game. And why was this able to occur?? Because two St Kilda players were ommitted due to attending the births of their children or somesuch thing.
We pick up the story with the correspondence as presented to AFL football podcaster Tom and Gus on their authoritative program- On The Outer
Dear Tom and Gus 28th June 2021
First time listener and first time correspondent. Very much enjoyed your podcast. Firm, fair and friendly.
There is no doubt in my mind that you will achieve a top 60 football podcast ranking. However, you can’t expect such an elevation to happen overnight.
If I may, I would like to draw your and listeners attention back to the St Kilda – Adelaide game. (Is there any team in the league that traumatised it’s supporters as much as St Kilda)?
The Saints were already running on a skeleton crew, when DELETED and DELETED were also omitted. Why? Because they were attending the births of their children.
I have been pushing for the Saints to implement mandatory vasectomies for all current and incoming players. But no, they all laughed at me. Well, they’re not laughing now! If DELETED and DELETED had been on field, Adelaide would never have been able to close the scoring gap and certainly not be able to score a decisive goal in the final minute.
Having a vasectomy declares a genuine dedication and commitment to the club. And that’s what we want. In the context of things, it’s certainly not too much to expect. We’ll never get those four points back.
I wouldn’t expect anyone to do something that I wouldn’t do. To that end, I had one for the club in ’97. Never regretted it.
Where does On The Outer stand on player vasectomies? Mandatory or optional?
(Genuine clubmen or something less)?
Keep up the great work.
Scorch McBurn
It was always a fair bet that On The Outer would take the topic of player vasectomies between the teeth and run with it, so to speak. You’ll find the entire conversation towards the end of their splendid Podcast, On The Outer. They raised pertinent issues which warranted further response. As follows..
Look how wonderful parenthood is! Look how happy the baby is. It’s just, it’s just… the timing.
Dear Tom and Gus 3rd July 2021
First opportunity to catch up with the show.
Found that St Kilda probably didn’t receive the level of exultation due after their Tigers win, but that’s neither here nor there.
You both raised pertinent questions and observations re player vasectomies, though I must add that Gus was something of a wet blanket with his I would say overly dry appraisal of the initiatives put forward, but I would not for a moment wish to malign his professionalism and breadth of experience in the industry.
And some kind of belligerent bellicose, I am not! I hear the alternative views raised and in particular, rate the father/son situation as a highly vexing concern re mandatory vasectomies.
To whit, I proffer an alternative approach. The Contraception Coach.
Players have assigned to them an AFL accredited Contraception Coach who has two key functions. 1) Educate and inform players as to the biophysics of the human reproductive process, and the methods by which conception can be avoided. 2) Be everpresent in the players intimate lives to ensure that the above steps are being implemented. Some may deem this as somewhat intrusive, but an awareness of the bigger picture is necessary here.
Obviously not a job for the faint hearted, but a crucial role in assuring that players adhere to club/league protocols regarding unauthorised absences ie baby business.
I have a dossier of Contraception Coaches profiles available for your perusal. It is naturally a fairly specialised role. Tact but unshakable firmness are of course key requisites.
And you can be certain that players will ultimately thank their Contraception Coaches in the end.
For every problem there’s a solution. Alas too late for the Saints it would seem, but a journey of 1000miles begins with a single contraceptive, correctly and without exception applied, including correct removal and disposal.
And at the end of the season, it won’t be hard to know which which Conception Coaches are worth their salt, and who are not.
Yours sincerely
In humble service of our Great Game.
Scorch McBurn
Australians are a practical people. So said Kevin Rudd and it’s hard to disagree. Naturally post podcast there was a flurry of correspondence. This one came from a Liam Harbinger and was perhaps the most constructive of them.
5th June 2021
‘Jeez, I didn’t get to hear the podcast unfortunately, but shall keep my ears peeled for the next one. I think a contraception coach could be a good idea. Like, no skin off anyone’s nose if the baby is born between October and April (the summer end of those months). All they need is someone who is responsible and committed to remind the players when to put it away and when to go hard. Also, it’s reversible, so some more layers to it’.
Excellent point Liam.
Therefore, the Contraception Coach (CC) would only need to be on duty during those months whereby conception could result in a birth during the season. Ie between mid June and late December.
So,
a) we get the players undivided attention and attendance.
b) no one will be unavailable for selection for the above mentioned reasons.
c) the father/son tradition may still continue. (Any idea if Lenny Hayes has offspring?).
d) hard working and increasingly unpopular Contraception Coaches get some much needed time off.
e) off field frustrations may materialise as on field feistiness.
e) New Years Eve can be celebrated in the traditional way.
In the future, this will be known as The McBurn Method.
Play by the rules and everyone’s happy.
And don’t forget that the benefits would apply equally to AFLW players as well. Wouldn’t they?
As Kevin Rudd said , practical people. Scorch McBurn solves a thorny issue before it gets any thornier, though St Kilda will never get those four points back.
